Helping Children When A Family Member Has Cancer: I

It is normal for families facing a new diagnosis of cancer to be upset and worried about this crisis. For families of young children or teenagers, there is more concern as they wonder how children will react to a diagnosis of cancer in a family member. Here we discuss how to help children understand and deal with a parent?s or close family member?s cancer experience. Often, to a large degree, how a child reacts to a cancer diagnosis will depend on how their parents or other close adults handle the crisis. Children learn through their parents? behavior. While parents know this, they are still under a great deal of stress and they have their own intense feelings of fear and uncertainty. Sometimes, with the right kind of help, parents and their children can and do learn to cope with cancer and its treatments. Why Do We Need to Tell Children About a Parent's Cancer Diagnosis? Some parents fear their children will worry more if they are told the facts about the situation. It is important to realize that parents and children have very different life experiences. So it is unlikely that a child will react to a problem as an adult would.

Cancer is an impossible secret to keep. Ever heard the expression, ?Little pitchers have big ears?? It means children tend to eavesdrop on adult conversations. When children hear conversations they aren?t meant to hear, they may pick up on the anxiety and worry of their parents. Often, they will tend to be afraid and believe the worst if they haven?t been given complete information. The effort it takes to keep such secrets may rob the parent of precious energy, too.

If children hear about their parent's cancer from someone else, such as a curious neighbor or a classmate, it can destroy the trust that parents have worked so hard to put in place. If children think their parents are being vague on purpose or are trying to hide something from them, they find it hard to believe they are being told the truth. So it is better that parents learn how to share this information truthfully, but in a way that allows the child to understand and take part in the discussion. The other problem in keeping the cancer a secret is that the child may incorrectly assume that whatever is happening is too terrible to be discussed. This may lead the child to feel isolated from the family, so the natural desire parents have to protect their children sometimes only makes things harder. Parents know that it is impossible to shield children from all of the stressful parts of life, and that their job is to teach their children how to manage these challenges. How Should Children Be Told That a Parent Has Cancer? Age is an important factor in deciding what and how much you should tell a child about a new diagnosis. The guiding principle should be to tell the truth in such a way that children are able to understand and prepare themselves for the changes that will happen in the family. Children thrive on routine – it helps them feel safe. When life becomes unpredictable, they will need help in adjusting to the changes. Young children (up to 8 years old) will not need a great deal of detailed information, while older children (8 - 12 years) and adolescents will need to know more. Adolescent daughters of women with breast cancer will have different concerns than a 5-year-old who needs a parent for basic caregiving. All children need the following basic information: the name of the cancer, such as "breast cancer" or "lymphoma," the part of the body where the cancer is, how it will be treated, and how their own lives will be affected. Young children (up to age 8) may need an explanation and can be told that the body is made up of lots of different parts. When someone has cancer, it means that something has gone wrong with these parts and they?ve stopped doing what they're supposed to do. Part of the body is no longer normal. Over time, a tumor or lump develops. A tumor should not be there. Because tumors can continue to grow in other parts of a person's body, the person will need treatment to either take out the tumor or stop it from spreading to other places. Older children (ages 8 through adolescence) may be able to understand a more complex discussion. They may be interested in seeing pictures of cancer cells or reading about the disease in the library. In addition to the illness itself, there are other worries children have about cancer. The most common of these is that something they did or didn't do may have caused the parent's illness. While we know this isn't true, most children believe this at some point during the cancer experience. Parents know that children engage in "magical thinking." They believe they are the center of the world and that they can make all kinds of things happen. Children can also believe that bad things happen because they have been angry with their mom or dad. So when a parent gets sick, children often feel guilty and think they are to blame for the cancer. Kids usually won't express this, so it's a good idea to reassure them about it. Parents can say something like, "The doctors have told us that no one can cause someone else to get cancer – it's nothing that any of us made happen." It's better not to wait to see if children bring this up because they may be feeling guilty without saying so. Other things children worry about are that cancer is contagious or that they can catch it, that everyone dies from it, or that they or the other parent will get it. It?s a good idea to correct these ideas before the child has a chance to worry. Children can become confused about how people get sick. A common worry is that cancer can be passed from one person to another. Parents can explain that cancer is a different kind of illness and the child doesn't have to worry that someone passed it on to Mom or Dad or that they will get it. Parents should also say that it would be very unusual for the other parent to get sick. They may want to tell their children that, years ago, people often died from cancer because doctors didn't know much about how to treat it. Many advances have now been made and the outlook for many cancers is much more hopeful. Now, people live with cancer instead of always dying from it. via Cancer Help