Coping Death & Grief

My mother has recently died and I am just feeling so hopeless, angry and unable to function properly. How long will I feel like this? What can I do to help myself get over her death? The feelings you are having are what we call grief. Grief is a very natural response to the loss of someone or something very important to us. There is no wrong or right way to feel when someone close to you dies. Most people will go through a range of emotions. The literature written about grief often mentions that people may go through several stages of grief. There are no hard and fast rules to this though. You will go through your own grief in your own way but it can be reassuring to know that others may feel similar things. You may go through some or all of them. And they do not necessarily happen in the order they are written here. The main thing to remember is there is no right way to grieve. The stages include

Anger Bargaining Guilt Depression Loneliness Acceptance and Hope Denial and shock

At first people may find it very hard to accept or understand the death of a loved one. Because of this they will feel so shocked they deny it is true. This usually passes as they start to talk to others about the death. Anger The most common question people ask during this stage is “why me?”. You may think it is so unfair that someone close to you dies. This can make you feel very angry with everything and everyone. Again, this stage will pass, so don’t think that you will always feel like this. Bargaining After someone close to you dies you may find yourself thinking things like’ if I give up this part of my life that I enjoy so much, I could bring back the person who died’. This is called bargaining. Although it is unrealistic it is a very natural part of grieving. Guilt You may find yourself feeling guilty for not doing certain things with your loved one before they died. Or remembering all the times you felt you did or said the wrong thing to them. Don’t beat yourself up over these things. Your loved one most likely forgave you before they died so forgive yourself. Depression Many people may have very strong feelings of sadness for some time after the death of someone close to them. Depression is not sadness. Depression is a much more intense feeling than sadness. It is more debilitating and affects your ability to cope with everyday things such as eating, sleeping, hygiene, social activities and work. You may feel like there is nothing worth living for now your loved one is gone. If feelings of sadness continue for several weeks and you are finding that you are never feeling good about anything then you may be depressed. It is not a weakness to have depression. But it is important that you seek medical help as soon as you can. You may have changes in your mood and feelings of isolation. Other common symptoms of depression are loss of interest in seeing friends and family, difficulty getting to sleep or waking in the early hours of the morning, poor appetite, lack of enthusiasm and difficulty concentrating, making decisions and remembering things. Loneliness During this stage people can feel very lonely and frightened. You miss having the person near to talk to and share your social life with. It can be very hard but trying to share more of your emotions with others close to you will help lessen these feelings. Acceptance This stage does not always mean you will feel happy again. But it does mean you will begin to accept that you need to try to cope with the death of your loved one. Most people who have had someone close to them die say that they never ‘get over it’. They just find a way to cope with it. Accepting things can be quite a relief to many people. Hope Everyone reaches this point at different times. But you will eventually be able to think about the person who died and it won’t be as painful. You will start to feel like planning ahead and looking forward to more good times. This doesn’t in any way mean you have any less feeling for your loved one. So try not to feel guilty about wanting to eventually get on with your life. You will always remember and love them for what you shared together. How long will I feel like this? How long people grieve for is a very individual thing. It may be months or even years. But it won’t always be so intense. Don’t worry if a few months after your mother’s death you still feel any of these emotions. The first Christmas and birthday of your loved one after their death are usually very upsetting.

Give yourself time to heal. The most important part of healing is to acknowledge that you are grieving. Two things that help the most with grief are time and support. You cannot force yourself to feel better. It is important that you grieve for your mother’s death and allow yourself to feel the way you do.

Some things that may help though are *Don’t try to fight your feelings – allow time to experience your thoughts and feelings, both positive and negative *Talk to someone you trust about how your mother died and how you are feeling *Don’t be afraid to cry a lot – crying is an important part of grief and will give you a release *If you have to clear out your mother’s home or finish off any business she left, try to get it done sooner rather than later. Ask a friend or relative to help you with it. *Remember to take care of yourself – eat well, get plenty of rest and some exercise *Some people find it helps to write down how they are feeling or about their loved one *Some people find it helps to go to a support group and talk to others who have had people close to them die *Be patient with yourself, it will take time and some days will be easier than others Thanks to Cancer Research UK